Cloud Nine
I'm currently sitting at the top of a hill watching the sunset. It's perfectly beautiful.
Okay, so I'm not really sitting at the top of a hill watching the sunset. I'm actually at work, writing about dead folks. BUT I can say that my life is completely wonderful right now. It's definitely comparable to a beautiful sunset.
I am so content and happy with everything that I have in my life, and I hope to hold onto it for as long as possible.
Amazing things happen when you least expect them to. I'm sure you've heard this to the point where you're like "yeah, whatever," but I'm telling you, it's true. I'm really starting to believe that certain things (the good and the bad) will lead us to where we're supposed to be.
And I really believe that where I am now is where I'm supposed to be
:)
It's Just One of Those "Wow" Things...
I’m having writer’s block. So please don’t judge my writing ability based on this blog, and get ready for some rambling…
It’s not that I don’t know what to say, it’s just that there are a million and one ways in which I could go about saying it, and I’m not sure which route to take. After all, you can only say so much before you reveal too much. Part of me wants to hide in a corner while the other part wants to dance in the rain.
I just finished writing a novel about my life, and I think I could actually write another one now. Believe me, I am normally not this interesting, and the thing is that I never expected this year to even have a shot at a happy ending. Well, the tables do turn every now and then. It’s so funny how things work out. How something completely horrible can actually lead you to something amazing. And then you have to wonder if you would have ever gotten to where you are if the horrible events had never occurred. For me, I don’t think so. This, my current state, just
wasn’t in the cards because of other circumstances.
Still, I’m so happy right now, and I
didn’t think that I would be this happy for a very long time. The past is completely in the past now, and I want to move forward with this new life of mine. I’m a difficult person to befriend. After all, I’m a big ball of stress the majority of the time, and my insecurity level is about as big as Texas. But, I don’t know. I’m feeling a lot better about life. I’m trying to find a balance between everything. And at the end of the day, this is me. I’m a crazy, insecure, feminist, sociology major who thinks way too much. You can like me or not. That’s up to you.
When my emotions are going bonkers, it’s very hard for me to write. There’s a lot of dancing going on in my head right now, and I just can’t keep up.
But I’ll keep trying…
I’
ve always been a slightly isolated person. After all, the more you isolate yourself, the less chance you have of getting hurt. Well, I finally got up the courage to put my heart on the line almost a year ago, and it ended up breaking like glass … all of the shattered pieces left for me to pick up.
I then told myself that I
couldn’t date for at least two years. After all, I should have my bachelor’s degree by then (hopefully). Plus, I like the image of Jennifer
Messer that I have in my head. I like people thinking of me as "the girl who wrote two books" or "the advice giver." I don’t want to be the girl with a ton of failed relationships. Yes, I know that I
shouldn’t care what people think. But still, once again, it’s so much easier to be alone.
But life has a funny way of hitting you upside the head at the most random times. Still, I’m afraid of making the wrong decision, even though I think I know what the right one is. Everyone keeps telling me to take my time, which I like to think that I am. I don’t want to get hurt, but at the same time, how can you let something pass you by when it just seems to fit so perfectly?
I guess you could say that I’m trapped in a state of
wow. Wow, this is happening. Wow, it just seems right. Wow, I’m happy. Wow, I don’t want to lose what I've gained.
I'm insecure. I'm nervous. I can see the edge of the cliff, and I keep staring at it, but I’m not sure what’s beyond it. Only time will tell.
On that same note, I feel like Elizabeth from Pirates of the Caribbean, and I’m being told to walk the plank. Am I ready to hit the water? Will it be freezing cold or will William Turner pop up and somehow randomly rescue me?
That was an odd example, but I was just staring at my movie collection, so it came to mind. And hey, I’m having writer’s block, remember? So you have to cut me a little slack.
I have to laugh because the past month or month in a half has taught me so many things, and I like to think that I’
ve become a better person. I’
ve regained the faith in people that I had once lost, but I’m not saying that people
aren’t complicated and confusing. Oh yes, people will always be complicated and confusing.
Still ... I laugh. It’s funny how people can have the same thoughts chained up in their heads, but they’re afraid to let them out.
That's okay. For now, here's to another day of smiling...
What Matters Most
When it comes to life, what matters the most?
Is it the amount of money that your bank account says that you have? Is it the number of friends that you have on
facebook? Is it your successful
career that even Donald Trump would be jealous of?
No.
So many people try so hard to get certain things (a great job, money, popularity among others) that they forget about all of the little things that make life worth living. Sometimes these people forget about the small things to the point that they actually lose them completely. That's because people become so absorbed in achieving their goals, which can be anything from obtaining the degree that they've been working for or scoring the promotion that they've been sucking up to their boss in order to get.
Now, I'm not saying that having high standards or big dreams is a bad thing. I think that's great, but I also think that you shouldn't let one thing (whatever that may be) run your entire life.
The world is a hectic place nowadays. We have to be organized to get where we want to be in life, but sometimes, we have so many lists running through our brains concerning things that we need to do that we actually forget about everything else.
So what is it that REALLY matters?
Well, it's simple. Hold onto whatever it is that makes you smile. After all, without that, what is life? A bunch of lists? Yeah, that's intriguing. Life
shouldn't just be about lists and trying to do this and that. If that's all that you put your heart into, then you're not living your life to the fullest.
Practical
I've always been a practical person. It wasn't until after high school that I actually made a few choices without thinking them through over and over again.
But you know what? I like being practical. I like doing what's right for me, and I like protecting myself from inevitable hurt and pain.
My life has changed. I like what I have going right now, and I definitely don't want to lose what I've gained over the past month.
Of course, at the same time, I want to be careful. Even the thought of taking a chance scares me to death because I don't want to get hurt. And more than that, I don't want to end up in the same situation that I escaped from not too long ago.
Luckily, everything that I've been through has made me stronger. I WILL NOT let anyone walk all over me ... push or pressure me ... or try to turn me into something that I am not. Not again.
But what happens when you find yourself in the middle of a situation that you definitely didn't expect to be in? I feel like I'm caught in limbo. But then again, I think I live in limbo. After all, it's safe here, and I like safe zones.
So how can I distinguish what's good for me from what's bad? Are there rules that I should follow? Or do they not even matter anymore?
I've learned that sometimes people are like
chameleons. They can hide the bad well enough for you to fall for the good in them. Of course, you also can't let other people influence your decisions or the thoughts that are going through your head. Lately, my head has been full of thoughts ... this and that about life, school, and people. I'm in need of a new filling cabinet up there.
Of course, the number one thing that worries me is this upcoming school year. I'm taking 17 credit hours this fall and almost the same in the spring in order to graduate. Can I handle this? Will I actually be able to maintain some type of a social life? Right now I picture myself being locked up in the library all year. I want time for other things, but it just doesn't seem possible.
On the flip side, life usually has a way of showing us what we should do ... or can do ... even if it means jumping into water where there may be a few sharks. It's then up to us to dodge them.
Well, here goes nothing ...
Life, if you're listening, give me a sign and show me the way ... I'm ready.
Is My Nose Too Big?
Insecurities. It's funny how we let them make us so self-conscious.
And sometimes what we consider to be wrong with ourselves, someone else may not even notice.
For example ... I have a friend who is insecure because he thinks that he has big lips and one of his teeth has a little white speck on it. I never think about these things when I look at him, and I'm sure other people don't either.
I think a lot of people tend to notice what's attractive about a person before what's unattractive. For example, this friend of mine that I'm speaking of has very beautiful eyes. (I'm serious, Matt, you do, and I will tell you that time and time again.)
I had another guy friend ask me today what girls think of facial hair ... whether it's a good thing or not. Honestly, I can't picture a girl saying that a guy isn't cute just because of this lack off (or too much) facial hair. Of course, there are those nerdy guys on
Beauty and the Geek with really long beards, but anyway, I highly doubt that girls are going around and judging guys based on their facial hair. Most girls are looking for a nice smile or eyes instead.
So ... what's wrong with me? Well, I hate my skin for starters. If I ever come back in another life, I want to have blemish free skin. But I once had a co-worker of mine tell me that when he looks at a girl, he doesn't pay attention to acne if she has it. So maybe I'm insecure about that for no reason.
So the next time you look in the mirror, think about the good before the bad. More than likely, all of the little flaws that you think you have are either invisible or not a big deal to other people.
