Simplicity.

Confidence. Why can't we all just buy it in a store? I guess if everyone in this world were confident, we would all be ignorant and cocky, so maybe it's a good thing that we can't just pick it up somewhere. In high school, I was anything but confident. I let people run me over, and I backed off when things got tough. That's how I've always been. If a problem is too hard to solve, I run. I'll admit it. I'm confident enough to do that. Well, now that I'm in college the whole confidence thing is approving. You could say that by moving up to the realm of college I've automatically received a small dosage of it. But I'm not confident all of the time. Usually I'm not confident when I need to be, like today. My English professor stopped me as my friend Aleah and I were walking out of class and started talking to me about his Introduction to Film class for next semester. This is the very nice professor who is going to get me into his class even though it is already full.

Well, let me rewind for a minute. In his class right now we're supposed to be reading this novel called The Fortunate Pilgrim. Well, like normal college students, more than half of the class isn't reading up to where they need to be; therefore, when we dicuss the novel in class, hardly anyone talks and so the professor thinks that no one is reading. After a while of twisting and turning in my seat, wanting to answer a question so that I could prove that I've actually been reading the novel, I got my chance. Of course, when I spoke, my voice was shaky, and I felt very nervous. Why is this? I know the topic, and I know what I want to say, so I don't understand why I would be nervous. Maybe it's just normal. Maybe it's just how I've been doomed to react for my entire life. Maybe it carried over from my fear of speaking out loud in class in high school. Either way, I don't like it.

Okay, back to speaking with the professor after class. He started asking me what I want to do while at GSC, and I told him that I was here for journalism. We talked about some of the other classes that I plan on taking, and I felt pretty dumb because although I may know the numbers of some of them, I don't know the actual names. I'm using the "I'm a freshman" card here. Anyway, after pronouncing CINE as kine instead of cinea, I felt very dumb. At that point, another kid walked in the room so I had the opportunity to sneak out -- don't worry, I did tell the professor bye.

I like to believe that my confidence level has improved since I started college, but I want it to improve more. Not just with professors either. I feel like the majority of the time I'm one of those people that just walk around here looking like the world is about to come to an end (believe me, a lot of college students look like this -- I think it's a trend). I don't want to be one of those people, but at the same time, I'm just not one of those light and fluffy smiley girls. I guess I avoid eye-contact and things like that as a protection mechanism. If you don't talk to people, you can't be embarrassed. If you don't talk to people, they can't judge you. It just seems like the safer route, right? Maybe. But along with the confidence that college brings, it also brings along isolation -- for me at least. I don't hang out with people anymore, and yes, I do feel like the worst friend in the world, but I just don't know what to do. I think my friends that are still in high school feel like I've deserted them, but I haven't. I really do want to see them, but I also want to make good grades, and I have to go to work. It's just hard to find the time. And since I've become so isolated if I were to hang out with someone, I'm not even really sure if I would remember how anymore. Ugh, this is frustrating. This sounds a lot worse than it really is. I'm happy. I love college. I just wish I could fix some of these little things that come along with it. So here's my to-do list: become more confident (not sure how) and actually hang out with people (not sure who). Think it can be done? I think so.